This year has been an amazing year. The amount of doors closing, people dying, ends of era’s, and changes that are mind-blowing, has me totally convinced that it’s the end of the world as we know it.
But do I feel fine?
That is so hard to gage. This morning I am feeling especially ragged. We had to put our 16 year old kitty to sleep yesterday. Done very caringly by a terrific team of vets, and with such grace and kindness. And yet in my head all I can think is that I killed her. I promised to keep care of her for the rest of her life when I got her as a two year old from a place where she was being abused. In the 14 years I had her I tried to always be kind and loving. But yesterday watching her fight the sleeping injection before the final injection, was brutal.
As we waited for her to sleep and for the doctor to come with the final injection all I could think was what a terrible person I was. D3 kept reminding me she was in pain and that was not a good way to live. But all I could see were her little cobalt blue eyes looking at me with confusion and fear.
When can you ever know if you have done the right thing? This year there are so many important things I am having to make choices about. It’s not that I can’t do it. But this being a grown up is a bitch. And it makes me cry and loose sleep.
All I can do is hope I made the right choice and that she is happier now.
R.I.P. My little Squeeky girl.