…. I do it so rarely, that when I want to blog I can remember how to get on line and then create a new entry…it is VEXING!
I have cried a lot today. Happy new year, crazy crying lady. I think it may have just hit me that:
1. Like Danny Glover in “Lethal Weapon” I am too old for this shit. Being that working 10 hour days in retail with only one potty break and not eating actually makes me sick for a few days.
2. That it is already 2013 and I did not do anything to celebrate or acknowledge it’s passing, besides
calling my sister at 3:30am to hold my head as I threw up and shook from exhaustion.
3. That there was actually someone in my life for the first time in WELL over 20 years who would do that for me.
4. That no matter how well I do at work, I have a belief that everything is going to drop out from beneath me and that I am going to be homeless, jobless, and have to tape my shoes together with duct tape and hold up signs at intersections that read “have a degree in theatre, music, film and yoga. totally, unemployable, please help”.
5. That my parents are dead. Now this is not news. Dad died 8 years ago, Mom a year and change. But for some reason this just kinda snuck up on me and hit me like it was new today. Might help explain the crying. Or some of it. But suddenly I feel very old and very mortal and very sad.
6. That I am afraid of being old, mortal and sad. I am afraid of the pain I feel in my body and in my heart. I am afraid that I will wake up tomorrow and not know how to answer my phone, or I will be confused about how to reply to e-mail….
…..or worse, I won’t be able to figure out how to use my blog. And that will mean I am old, broken, and a waste of viable human organs. This is not a happy spot for me. And I have decided that I am going to try to get myself acting “as if” I was happier. With the idea that acting will actually lead to being.
So today, I am sad, and leaking from my eyes and my chest hurts and my brain is foggy. But tomorrow when I wake up it will be a little better. See, I said, “when I wake up”! Things are getting better already.