This is what was in my head this morning. Something I remember from my childhood, but have absolutely no context for. None.
And yet, it feels right.
I had a 2 hour massage yesterday. Seriously. The woman who does these massages actually changes your life! She did mine anyway.
Three years ago, on my mothers’s birthday, I fell down some steps and broke my arm. It was one of those moments in your life when all things around you crash in on you, and you just sit there and think, “nothing is ever going to be the same after this.” I was right, it wasn’t. It was far enough into my mom’s alzheimer’s that she could barely carry on a conversation with me on the phone. It makes my stomach hurt to even think about that conversation. I went out that day to walk over to the gym, I was working on getting myself healthy. As I started down the steps, this voice inside me told me not to do it. I ignored the voice, and fell down the steps.
Three years have passed and though my arm is strong and recovered, the rest of me is not so much. The massage yesterday was a force of change that I still cannot believe. In releasing my muscles, she was able to realign my femur, which was trying to poke out my butt. Then she released the knot in my knee, my shoulder, and both my feet. When I went to stand up I was overwhelmed by this feeling I had forgotten, standing in my body and not being in pain. I had forgotten that you can actually be in your body and not be in pain. I FORGOT THIS! How is that possible?
And so, slowly I turn, and step by step I move myself into a place where my body and I are not at odds. Where I can walk again, and be in the world again, and not have to pretend that everything is alright and that I am just like everyone else, except that I am miserable.
I actually smiled yesterday, while I was standing up.